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Wednesday, March 16, 2005

The Ferocious Fuckfest of Senator Ted Stevens 

"As a matter of fact, I’ve only been married for 25 years and I’m going on my honeymoon a week from today. Coming back from that honeymoon we’ll stop in at the cable convention and talk to them," said Ted Stevens, Chairman of the US Senate Committee on Commerce, Science & Transportation on March 11th in response to a question as to whether he was still considering expanding the Broadcast Decency bill to include cable.

If only I had been told first, damn it! I could have prevented sordid, lascivious remarks from cluttering my mind and email box.

Given the current laws and current cultural and political climate, the vulgar remarks Senator Stevens makes above clearly violate the most basic standards of decency. In light of the fact that Senator Stevens refers to his marriage of twenty five years, one can only assume that he is heterosexual, since only Massachusetts permits gay marriage, and only since recently. Heterosexuality, by definition, relates to, or is characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward individuals of the opposite sex. Usually this lewd tendency is actualized by inserting an erect penis into a moist vagina. Honeymoons, typically, (and especially in an age of abstinence before marriage), are suggestive of the consummation of the marriage in which sex, which could also include anal and oral sex as well as foreplay where sticking all sorts of appendages into all sorts of orifices, is high if not top of the agenda.

Despite my best intentions and desire for pure thoughts at all times, all I can think about when I read the response is a lily-white, wrinkled, bare-assed Ted Steven greedily popping Viagra and Vioxx cocktails, slapping on some good old-fashioned KY jelly and pounding the missus (or Mrs. Ted, as he refers to her on his web site - her actual name is Catherine Ann Chandler) in a tawdry hotel room to the muffled sound of some cheap, soft-core porn channel.

Did Chairman Stevens honestly feel it was relevant or appropriate to inform an unsuspecting public, via a prurient government-issue press-release, that he'll tackle cable decency only after he's fucked his wife?

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